THE PROFESSOR’S
BRAIN-CHILD
(A STAGE PLAY)
BY
JAN CYPRIAN DAYOP
@ Jan Cyprian Dayop 2019.
This short play which is a comical commentary on social vices and Nigeria’s ills, is written by Jan Cyprian Dayop and was performed at the Open-Air Theatre, Department of Theatre and Film Arts, University of Jos, by 400Level Students of the Department in the year 2019 as a class production. It was directed by the course lecturer, Mr Lucky Fadam.
Dramatis Personae
Professor ----------
Umbolo ---------- Street Urchin
Kalo ---------- Tambolo’s Partner
DPO ---------- Ene Abba
James ---------- DPO’s brother
Policemen
EPISODE ONE
A young boy whom is a street urchin of about 19 years old – Umbolo, emerges from a street side and heads towards a street corner. He gets to a point that looks like a hut or tent and unlocks what looks like a door but is only a combination of planks and cartons knocked together with nails and ropes. As he opens the ‘door’, he begins to search for something and in the process, he throws items inside up and down – plastic plates, spoons, and cups; worn out clothes and wrappers. As he searches, his frustration grows. Umbolo I know I kept it here well sealed and hidden under my bed. Where is my food? No not now that I am very, very hungry and there is nothing I have left to eat. No, I won’t accept it! Where is my food? I cannot be dispossessed of my only food for today and even tomorrow because I am not even sure I will see any labourer work to do tomorrow. This is a joke too far! I need my food (searches again). Gone! Disappeared! But I won’t accept it. (Picks a big empty tin of a beverage, cleans it with his shirt and places it near the “door” and sits beside it) God, please I am calling for a meeting between me and you. Please sit down and let’s talk, and I am serious about it. Please, let’s talk one-on-one and, I need this meeting to ask you some questions, and you must give me an answer. First where is my food? I left my food here before going out, I could have eaten it but I was afraid if I didn’t find a job I won’t have anything to eat so I decided to join breakfast, lunch and supper together, and now the food is gone. When I kept it there no body was around, except … me and one other person – you Sir and I know I didn’t steal my own food … that leaves us with only one person who knows what happened and I am not the one. Please say something because I want to eat. I want my food now. That apart, God let me ask you, why is Dangote or David Mark, or Atiku or Mike Adenuga not my father? Why am I not a cousin of the president or Lagos State governor? Why should my father be a motor park taut called Omo? Why am I not living at Victoria Island or Ikoyi, instead of this hut which is join-join plank and carton that the sanitary inspectors demolish every now and then? Why didn’t you bless me with a special talent like football so that I can play for Chelsea or Arsenal or even Rangers? Why didn’t you give me a good voice to sing like Tuface or Timaya? Why and why? And now after I struggled and provided my food you allowed somebody to enter here and take it. (Angrily) I don’t know who took it, but I know you saw the person so give me my food … (A boy of the same age – Kalo passes by Umbolo eating something in a plastic plate with relish. Umbolo notices him, watches with interest, curiosity and then growing anger, He stands and approaches the boy). Umbolo Hey you boy! Come here. Who are you and what are you eating, and where did you get it from? Kalo Which one do you want me to answer first? Umbolo Anyone you want, but do it fast before I lose my temper. Kalo (Still eating) Temper? For what? Okay, in the order of priority, my name is Kalobiri Ufot Gbogobiri Akpan Isiobong Etuk, I am from Ikot Abasi – Umbolo (Grabbing his shirt) Answer my question now or I squeeze your neck. Kalo (Freeing himself) Leave my shirt whatever you call yourself and whoever you are. Alright, I will tell you where I got it from. This morning, after my prayers to God to provide my daily bread today, I went out later to scavenge the neighborhood as I do every day, gbam! Like manna from heaven I stumbled on some good garri, sugar and well roasted groundnut. My brother, that was answered prayers. God really answer prayers you know? Umbolo So, you are the one who stole my food? You sneaked in here and stole the only thing I have to eat today? (Advancing towards him) You stole my food and you are telling me about answered prayers. I am going to beat every bit of that answered prayers out of you today, then you will know I am Umbolo Adodo Atolo. Kalo So that’s your name? What a stupid name! (Getting ready for a fight) If you get close to me, I will uproot your eyes to make your name Umbolo the blind. Umbolo Alright let’s try it (grabs his shirt) Kalo (Frees himself again and makes some kararte moves) Kush! Gbish gbash! If you come close to me, I will give you a combination of right and left hooks, a backslap, a head butt and a glancing elbow kick. I warn you, I have a blue belt in karate at my primary school, I would have become an Olympic champion by now if not that I didn’t pass my test because the teacher was punishing me every time, because he said I was polluting in class always. Look, I am warning you! Don’t let me kill you here free of charge with nobody to mourn you. (They grab themselves in a fight – kicking, boxing and head-butting each other, an old but agile man of about 60 years pass by, he sees them and stops. He is known as Professor). Prof Hey! you scaly wags! Will you stop that unprofitable physical exertion? (They continue but with less energy) I say stop that physical combustion or I will hand you over to the sanitary inspectors for immediate disposal. (They stop but still breathing hard and showing unspent physical energy to each other) Now will you tell me why you allowed yourselves to disturb the congregation of atmospheric beings including aquatic habitats, hemispheric and lithospheric beings, and in the process depleting the ozone layer which can cause a tsunami, volcanic eruption or celestial and metaphysical dislocation? (Umbolo and Kalo exchange confused glances) Umbolo He is the one sir! He stole my garri. Look at the plate and spoon there. Kalo It’s a lie sir, I didn’t steal anything from him, I was eating my garri and groundnut and he became envious and started fighting me. Just thank your stars because of this man; I can be very dangerous when I am very angry. Prof (Scornfully) Garri? so you fight over soaked garri when your mates laugh over fried rice with roasted, fried or grilled chicken, pork, beef and sea creatures with the best Italian wine and juice for lunch or supper? I can see your life is that of the Wretched of the Earth or the Rejected of Heavenly Banquet. Both (Pointing at each other) He is sir! Prof Buffoons! That’s what you are. Now follow me, I am going to set up a high powered investigation panel or commission of enquiry to look into the immediate and remote causes of your physical environmental degradation. After the panel’s report I will teach you how not to be adulterated human beings but real stakeholders of this society (starts moving, they hesitate). Now follow me or I will call the waste disposal board to annihilate you from this vicinity and from the entire universe. (Reluctantly they follow him while he whistles as he goes ahead of them).
Light Fades
EPISODE TWO
Another street corner, prof leads them to the front of an uncompleted building. The age of the building reflects heavily on the block work which has practically turned into green. There are uncomfortable volumes of books, magazines and newspapers, all spread across the entire space. Some of the books are open on pages and supported by another or other books. The atmosphere is like an archival library or an abandoned research centre. Prof walks in familiarly and sits on a heap of books arranged for a chair.
Prof
Welcome to my abode. As you can see it is a miniature United Nations Research Centre on Human Etymology. Now let’s go straight to business because I am concluding a report on the Hiroshima Nuclear Bomb of 1945 (Umbolo and Kalo exchanges curious glances). Now tell me who you are that I shouldn’t take you to the International Court of Justice Arbitration on Environmental Pollution. Now talk!
Umbolo
My name is Tambolo Adodo Atolo
Prof
And you?
Kalo
My name is Kalobiri Ufot Gbogobiri Akpan Isiobong Etuk, I am from Ikot-Abasi, the –
Umbolo
Shut up! He didn’t ask you your family history.
Kalo
Stupid boy, you are jealous (makes physical threats at him).
Prof
Enough both of you! NO noise here! No fighting and no quarrels. This environment is covered by the Russian last shuttle to the moon and heavily protected by one hundred nuclear warheads. So, any fracas, imbroglio or hullaballoo that is noticed from the orbit around here will be crushed in a matter of seconds. I can see from your names that you have no pedigree, no ex-official status, no genetic alignment with any greatness both in time past or the present (Looks at them scornfully) All you have is an existential void in all ramifications. And there you were degrading the ozone layer and threatening human existence.
Both
Sorry sir.
Prof
I grant you amnesty and will send you for rehabilitation in a cemetery or crematorium. Well my name is BAJ – Badmus Adebowale Johnson, B.sc Nuclear Physics – Oxford, M.Sc. Nuclear Weapons, University of California in Los Angeles (UCLA) and double Ph.D. in Atomic Bomb and Sub-Marine Anti-Terrorism, Harvard. I am a professor Emeritus of Nuclear Warheads at the Pentagon. The only African-United States, and British citizen to be solely assigned to investigate the Hiroshima Nuclear Bomb. I am a life Research Fellow on Volcanic eruption and Earthquakes (Umbolo and Kalo sit on two heaps of papers looking confused). I am the Head of UN Weapons Inspector in Afghanistan and Iraq. I know no rest that is why I am tirelessly researching on who will look after the world when I am gone. You see boys, you have a lot to learn from me so as to become citizens of the world, and not slum street corner champions that you are presently, in this country and indeed become citizens of the world. That is the game that is played globally – the rich countries steal from poor countries under the guise of neocolonialism and expropriation of capital through expatriate quotas. The poor countries borrow from rich ones and refuse to pay and demand for debt cancellation. Citizens of poor countries beg for money through NGOs, Churches and Humanitarian aids, and when the donation is given they divert it into their private pockets. The quo don quo and big men of the society do the same – beg, borrow or steal with government name and divert the money to their private purses. Sometimes they set offices on fire to cover their tracks or run away to other countries and seek asylum. Boys, I assure you that before you finish using the three operations you will be millionaires, ceteris paribus.
Umbolo
But sir prof, how does it work?
Kalo
Yes sir…?
Prof
Well, that’s a product of my brain child, theorized in Oxford University and tested in Harvard. It works like magic and it’s your only survival strategy.
Kalo
Like telling them that my mother just died and I need to take her to the mortuary?
Umbolo
Shut up your mouth foolish boy. That’s a small lie. Prof, like telling them your container just arrived from the high sea and you need their help to clear it?
Prof
Well, something like that. But you need to sound very convincing to be able to make them part with their hard earned money. The second one is borrow. In this you must have good reasons to borrow money without refusal, even from a bank.
Both
Bank?
Kalo
What if we can’t pay, they arrest us?
Umbolo
What about signature? We don’t have signature to borrow money from a bank. And … and what of collastra –
Prof
What is that?
Umbolo
That thing the bank say you should bring before they give you loan.
Prof
Okay I see. You mean collateral?
Umbolo
Yes sir Prof
Kalo
Stupid boy! You don’t know ordinary collatrol
Prof
I get it, but that’s where you use your brain to outsmart them. Don’t worry, you cross the bridge only when the need arises. The third and most lucrative but dangerous is steal. You steal from anyone in sight and ensure that you don’t get caught.
Both
Steal …?
Kalo
Sir if we are caught nko?
Umbolo
Yes, will you come and release us?
Prof
Nope! That won’t be part of the deal. That could get my image dented and I will lose global citizenship and become a persona non grata of the United Nations.
Kalo
Sir, what if they arrest you, who will release you?
Prof
Arrest me? Ha ha ha! No one can arrest me. I am un-arrestable! I have both Nuclear and Commonwealth Immunities. If anyone tries to arrest me within the Commonwealth Countries, I will plead commonwealth immunity or plead temporary amnesia, and fiam like a breeze I will be released and given unreserved apology. If they try to arrest me in the US, even with a presidential directive, I will plead nuclear or atomic bomb immunity and my release will be a fiat accompli.
Both
(Clapping) Prof! Prof!!
Prof
(Elated) You will learn a lot and gain a lot from me boys. Just follow my rules and let me do the brain work. In few months’ time under my tutelage your folks and peers will not recognize you any longer. By then you will be multi-millionaires and money bags.
Umbolo Yes! And I will show that Ronke that I am not the common person she has been insulting since. When I land in my jeep with my driver, she will beg me on her knees to just talk to her. Thank you Prof.
Kalo
You talk about one local girl. Me I will drive straight to Ikot Abasi and organize a beauty show to select the hottest girls from there. I will collect three latest girls, one at the front seat of my car, and the other two by my sides at the back seat.
Prof
Alright! But remember while we are at it you must return my 50% from every deal.
Both
50%?
Prof
Yes, that’s the rule of the game nationally and globally. After all even your reverends and pastors collect 10% or more from you monthly in the name of tithe. This you pay them for pastoring in addition for Sunday offering, you contribute and build the church, build schools in the name of the church and your children still pay heavily to school there, you build big mansions for them to live in, open businesses for them and their family members. The pastor is the chairman board of trustees while his wife is vice chairman. You see their picture on their advert or posters for Sunday Worships and crusades - Pastor and Pastor Mrs., which means Chairman and Vic-Chairman. You are not alone, even prostitute, thieves, drug barons and political looters also pay 10% or more as tithe to pastors for their kinds of business. Also government officials collect 10% as signature fees and gratifications. Now, let me send you on you first assignment. Which one do you want to start with?
Both
(Looking at themselves) Beg sir.
Prof
Fine! Come together and have your tutorials. (They move close to him and he begins instructing them)
Light Fades
EPISODE THREE
Professor is sitting on a heap of books. He counsels from one book to another. Kalo and Umbolo run and enter in panting and startling him in the process.
Prof
(Dropping the book he is reading) What the hell is wrong with both of you?
Both
(Panting) Prof … Prof …
Prof
What the hell is Prof Prof? I ask you again what is wrong that you want to cause me a cardiac dislocation or ocular conjunctivitis?
Umbolo
(Still Panting) Prof sir, they nearly caught us, a whole battalion of fully armed policemen.
Kalo
Yes, with armored car and bullet proof.
Prof
What happened that a whole battalion will be chasing insignificant beings like you? Or were they following you to get at me and my research?
Umbolo
Your research?
Prof
Yes my current research which will make Africa the richest and most important continent in the world with nuclear weapons stations at every city and airports in every town (checks the road).
Kalo
Prof, we were on the assignment with one rich man, we had almost succeeded and he was about giving us One Million Naira when the man called a battalion of fully armed police to shoot us at sight.
Umbolo
He tried to hold us from running so that the police will catch us, but we ran like Olympic champions and dodged through the back streets. (Angrily) it was Kalo’s fault. He told the man that he has a mansion at VGC in Ikoyi …
Prof
Ikoyi? You mean you told the man VGC in Ikoyi?
Kalo
I thought VGC is in Ikoyi, I didn’t know it’s in Ikeja.
Prof
Ikoyi? Ikeja? You are a full time buffoon! You are an idiotic nincompoop with a porous intellectual brain leakage. Two of you are doomed for perpetual poverty. Just your first assignment and you are colossal failures. You have no strategy! No pedigree! No modus operand! No methodology! No theory or even definition of terms. Both of you are nothing but tabula rasa. Your approach to the assignment was a failure ab initio. That means I can’t entrust you with higher responsibilities of becoming research fellows.
Both
Please Prof, we want sir.
Umbolo
It was a big mistake but we have learnt. I even spoke like an American and it was almost working –
Prof
Shut up your vocal cavity. Where has nearly ever killed a bird in the world?
Kalo
Please sir. I am … we are sorry sir
Prof
Keep your apologies! Nobody fails in a commissioned assignment like that. But I will give you another chance.
Both
Thank you prof.
Umbolo
This time sir we succeed and come back with big money.
Prof
No, you won’t go back to the street because the cops will be on the lookout for you. So we devise a new strategy that will be less risky, but it requires effective brain work.
Both
(Excited) Yes sir Prof
Prof
This time you borrow! (Both are disappointed). Yes you borrow from anyone in sight – the government, the bank, corporate organizations, your neighbors, and etcetera. But you won’t pay back. By the time they come after you, you vamoose and reappear years after with a minor plastic surgery and a new identity and still do business with them.
Umbolo
But they will ask for something. Like… like house, land, certificate, big business –
Prof
You mean collateral?
Kalo
Yes sir Prof collatora. Without it they won’t give any loan – I mean big loan that can make somebody very rich.
Prof
Then provide them with the collateral. It’s very simple, you can pick up the collateral from anywhere and give it to them with real sweet talk and their money will come pouring inside your pocket.
Umbolo
Can you give us the collatora prof?
Prof
Sure, I can, as much as they want, but I won’t!
Kalo
Please sir Prof, give us the collatora and we will not disappoint you forever.
Prof
I have enough security – my books are worth millions of dollars. My research is worth about one billion dollars. But you see I won’t release it, even if it’s the preliminary report, because that will cause a Third World Ward.
Umbolo
(Disappointed) How? But we need the money
Prof
You see boys, if I release this for collateral for any bank, they will sell the whole bank to buy it and then sell my research either to the US or Russia. In which case there will be a world war. That’s why I refused the presidential villa offered me by the Nigerian government for this research and instead took a slum where I will operate in cognito. Boys, I am a very important citizen of the world. The Americans and Russians are interested on who will get this research first, and each of them can do anything to have it before the other, including bombing where universe, so I don’t want to be held responsible for being the cause of a 3rd World War. That will be holocaust, genocide and rapture. I can’t and I won’t no matter the prodding, cajoling, persuasion and appeals! So dear fellows think of an alternative and become partakers in the share of the global cake. Think of an old friend, relation, acquaintance or neighbor who can provide you a collateral and you adopt a new nomenclature and the bank will give you a heavy soft loan.
Umbolo
Soft loan Prof …? I thought you said they will give us big money that will make us rich and buy big jeeps with fat tyres.
Prof
A soft loan is that which has little interest.
Kalo
But I thought you said we will not pay and later the bank will write it off as bad debt?
Prof
Yes, but it starts as loans, interest-free loans, counterpart funding, etc., but the no repayment is where the big gain is. So think fast and get the collateral so that I can launch you into the world of multi -millionaires. Think boys! Think and the millions will be in your pockets soon.
Umbolo
Prof, I have one uncle, he is a contractor, he is very rich and a bachelor, but he chased me out of his house because he said I stole his money.
Prof
But you did steal his money?
Kalo
He did sir. I can bet my life he stole the money.
Umbolo Shut up your mouth, idiot!
Prof How much did you steal from your uncle?
Umbolo
Only ₦10,000
Prof
Tabula Rasa! Chicken change! Your mates steal millions and billions from government organizations, and if they are caught, they hire best Lawyers and Senior Advocates of Nigeria with part of the money to get them a bail and thereafter they settle the authorities with some of the money on what they call “plea bargaining”. That’s why no ex-governor, ex-minister, ex-government official or law maker is ever convicted in Africa for corruption. Look boys, in this part of the world the more you steal the less you are punished. By the way, what did you use the money for? Play lottery or pools betting?
Umbolo
I gave it to Ronke so that she will agree to be my girlfriend (Pako starts laughing)
Prof
You mean you paid a girl to date you?
Prof
Rubbish! Fulltime rubbish! Where is the girl now?
Umbolo
She took my money and started hiding from me. I went to their house and her father pursued me with a big cutlass.
Prof
What a shame!
Kalo
Yes sir, a very big shame and stupid (laughing).
Umbolo
(About to hit him) You call me stupid again and I will tear you into pieces
Kalo
Shut up stupid boy. Why didn’t you tear Ronke into pieces?
Prof
Enough of that! Now back to this your uncle. You said he is rich and a bachelor?
Umbolo
Yes sir, big money. He does big supplies of building materials to big companies.
Prof
Fine! You can get the collateral you need from him for the bank loan
Umbolo
But sir he chased me out of his house and warned me that if I ever came to his house again, he will arrest me and send me to jail.
Prof
No problem! You can still harvest gold from him if you play your cards very well. With the same mouth he warned you he will welcome you back when you present a new image and status with prospects for big returns on investment.
Kalo
How sir?
Umbolo
Sir you mean he will take me back and give me the collateral?
Prof
Signed! Sealed and Delivered stricto sensu! Now sit down and let me reactive and recharge your medulla oblongata on this new assignment (happily they sit beside him and he begins to instruct them)
Light Fades
EPISODE FOUR
Professor’s abode, it is evening but he is chewing a long stick which he apparently cut from a nearby tree. As he chews, he reads from one volume of book to another. Umbolo and Kalo enter from a corner with fatigue and disappointment on their faces. They sit on the bare floor beside Prof breathing heavily.
Prof
Yes, gentlemen of the ghetto, what doeth thou that your faces look like you jumped out of a moving train? What jammed you? Is it an aircraft, a warship or a sub marine? (Silence from them) Answer me now or you will make me commit involuntary manslaughter or culpable homicide.
Kalo
Prof, he called the police for us almost when we had succeeded, if not that we took a short cut they would have caught us.
Prof
What happened? Did you use all the strategies I gave you on him?
Umbolo
Everything Prof, ask Pako, I posed well well and spoke like a multi-millionaire.
Kalo
Yes Prof, he did and I helped him, but that man is wicked and stingy, he did not even offer us a drink, even ordinary water –
Umbolo
Shut that your stupid mouth! We are talking about millions we just lost and you complain of drinks. Longer throat!
Prof
Tabula Rasa! It’s a shame you failed again. What a colossal intellectual failures you are. Of my years as a world acclaimed international researcher, I have never failed in any of my postulations or theories, and here you are trying to rubbish the same brain that disputed the theories of Plato, Aristotle and Socrates.
Umbolo
I will deal with that man that he will never forget me in his life.
Prof
What can you do to him when the police are already after you?
Umbolo
I am still thinking sir.
Prof
Think? You, think? Who gave you a certificate for independent thought and how many thinkers do you know? Look my boy, you don’t have the locus standi to make any contribution in philosophical, ideological, psychological, colloquial, inferential and theoretical discourse. You are simply a tabula rasa. Big failure abinitio!
Umbolo
(Angrily) I will sell all his property in the house.
Prof
You are suffering from insomnia of a siesta or a dislocated nightmare. Wake up failure and embrace your new status as a colossal failure. Return to status quo ante and then go to a construction site tomorrow and use your lizard brain to work as a labourer. You both should stop that bickering to allow the inflow and juxtaposition of ideas in my brain.
Both
Sorry sir.
Prof
I think you need to apply your joker. Since you have failed to beg, failed to borrow, then you have to steal!
Both
Steal?
Kalo
But the police are after us everywhere looking for us.
Prof
Not to worry!
Prof
When you sell his property and rent his house, you are making him to use his brain and think again. Besides I need to leave my current domicile soon because I can feel the Russians are trying to outsmart the Americans in nuclear combat to get at my research first, which may cause a Third World War. Get down to business boys and let’s plan the final onslaught (they go). That’s punching below the belt (demonstrates).
Light Fades
EPISODE FIVE
Professor’s abode, he is having a good meal with Umbolo and Kalo – each is having a plate of rice loaded with meats. There are bottles of assorted drinks littered in front of them. They are eating hungrily. The boys had finally succeeded in returning with some money.
Umbolo
Prof this is a very good meal. The best I have had since I was born.
Kalo
That was a good business. I didn’t know we could make such a big money
Prof
That’s okay! Eat on boys and enjoy the fruit of your labour. You truly worked hard for it.
Umbolo
A total of ₦1,300,000! I am sure when that my stupid uncle returns he will commit suicide
Kalo
Serves him right! He is very stingy
Umbolo
But Prof what are we going to do with the money?
Prof
Don’t worry, after this meal I will put on my thinking cap to decide what we need to do with the money.
Kalo
Maybe we should rent a house, buy new clothes and open a company where we will be directors and Prof will be the Chairman.
Prof
Well, that’s a good suggestion.
They eat on and drink with relish. The police DPO with his men together with James, Umbolo’s uncle are seen moving towards them. Prof is the first to notice them and quickly reacts.
Prof
Now boys the enemy comet! I can see them approaching like hawks ready to burn my research again as they did some years ago. But don’t be afraid you are covered by immunity.
Umbolo
Prof that;s my uncle and the man we rented the house to.
Pako
They brought a whole police barrack to arrest us. This is big trouble!
Prof
Don’t be afraid! They won’t harm you. If they try it I will bomb all of them and even the police station.
James
(Pointing) DPO, see them over there, attack them.
DPO
No! Caution or else we won’t recover anything from them. The money may not be there them.
James
(To DPO) Wait … Broda, I know this man, he is Prof. Badmus, an American trained Nuclear Physicist. He was in the University of Lagos few years ago before he had problems with the military government. They accused him of plotting a coup because he was always criticizing their brutality, dictatorship and corruption.
DPO
Yes I heard something like that some years ago and I thought he left the country afterwards. So what happened?
James
He wanted to leave because he is an American citizen but they seized his passport and put him in cell. When they released him some years later he was already having a brain fag.
DPO
What a brain waste! What about his family?
James
His wife and three children are American citizens and they are well established there. The report had it that one was a Colonel in the US Army, another one is a Surgeon and the other one I believe is a Pilot or so.
DPO
But why have they not taken him to US instead of allowing him roam the streets of Lagos to cause trouble for people?
James
Many times, they came to take him away by force but he threatened to blow himself up and everybody with the devices he built. I am sure they are planning on how to catch or arrest him and take him away to the US.
DPO
Arrest? See, if you try to arrest this man by force he will kill himself and everybody.
Prof
(To them) Stay back! If you take one more step, I will detonate the light bombs I planted around here (the policemen retreat in fear). These boys are seeking political asylum with me here in this mini Us Embassy from the government of this country, and I have fully granted it and sealed it with an American stamp.
DPO
We come in peace! The government said we should come and apologize to you for maltreating you and putting you in cell.
Prof
It’s a big lie! They declared me a Marxist and Communist, burnt my research, incarcerated me and declared me a persona non grata in a 3rd World country like Nigeria?
DPO
No, the governor and the president said we should bring you to have dinner with any of them this evening.
Prof
Big lie! Where is the presidential invitation? Where is the Limousine and escorts from his office? No, I will not dine with the president he is a dictator. May be the governor, he is my friend; his teacher in Harvard was my student.
DPO
Yes Prof the governor said that’s why he sent you these escorts. The cars are parked by the main street.
Prof
Then why are your so-called escorts holding guns and looking as enemies?
DPO
Just to protect you from counter insurgence from Russia.
Prof
It’s a big lie! Stay back or I touch one button and all of you are gone in a matter of seconds.
DPO
(To his team) Please move back. We need to apply tact and diplomacy to win him over. I am applying my knowledge and degree in psychology, if we catch him it will be a big bonus for my next promotion. I need another pip with an Inspector-General of Police national award for meritorious service. The children may even show good appreciation with good rewards.
DPO
Prof, I will personally report your views to the governor this evening. (To his team) We must be cautious gentlemen else he kills us or himself, I don’t want to be seen as killing an American citizen, the FBI will be after me.
James
DPO how do I recover my property and my house?
Prof
Ask the government to pay you back for all losses and damages from the money they steal from the people every day. Government is the biggest liar, biggest thief and the biggest fraudster. They steal and kill those who oppose them in the process. They cheat, deceive the people and break promises with impunity all in the name of governance. I hate African leaders. They are all liars; they smell of blood and corruption (spits).
DPO
Prof, I promise you total amnesty, payment for all the damages and losses you have incurred. The governor said he will provide a special aircraft for you to travel to the US to meet your family. Your son in the US Army is now a Brigadier-General, personally decorated few days ago by the US President.
Prof
(Excited) You mean Elvis my son is a General? What of Alonzo my son – the Surgeon? And Emmanuel the Pilot, did you hear from them? What of my wife Mary Ann – my princess?
DPO
You will see them in few days’ time. I can arrange for them to meet you in Nigeria for you to travel back to the US with them.
Prof
No, I want my son Emmanuel to fly me in a special aircraft to meet them there, and also to meet the US President my long time found.
DPO
(Approaches friendly) consider it done. I swear…
Prof
(Angrily) Stop swearing or you make me sick! After all they all swear oaths yet they steal, misappropriate, misapply and embezzle public funds entrusted in their care. Tell me, how many have died from breaking such oaths?
DPO
Take my word for it. I promise on your honour as a Professor and all your books and research works that I will do whatever you want.
Prof
That’s more like it! I can only trust my brain, my theories and postulations, and my books than any president, governor or politician
DPO
Thank you, Prof, …
Prof
I will follow you on some conditions. First, no foul plays. I want to be handed over to the US Ambassador to Nigeria. I want full compensation for my incarceration in Dollars and a full amnesty for my boys. I want to take them with me or send to school with full care. Finally, nobody buns my research again. I want all my books here gathered and packed; I will take them wherever I go, and when I die, they will be donated to Umbolo and Kalo because they believed in me. Accepted?
DPO
(Raising his arms) I accept on behalf of the Governor of Lagos State, the Inspector General of Police and the Nigerian President.
Prof
Fine! Bring the police anti-bomb squad here to clear the light weapons around here. I am totally donating it to the service of mankind, but not to any African dictator and military usurper. Any foul play I will bring Lagos down in minutes. Now (Umbolo picks out a wrapped black nylon and brings out the money) Give it to the DPO (Umbolo gives the DPO). There is total of ₦1,280,000 in that bag. We took only ₦20,000 for food and logistics. I am a man of honour, I don’t embezzle money or lie. Give back the money to their owners. And let James Esua recover his house. Agreed?
DPO
Agreed Prof.
Prof
Keep your boys far from me, I hate their uniforms and guns, they smell of blood. Now, I totally surrender with full nuclear and atomic bomb honours (Raises both hands, Umbolo follows. Pako picks a bottle of drink, gulps it down and follows. The DPO leads them away respectfully with the policemen keeping an alert distance)